you know, the life of a christian is hard. & i know im one of the worst examples of a christian. but every time i think about God's grace & what he does for me, im always so blessed by that. Christian life is definitley hard, but the sinner's life is so easy. at times i wonder why God has given me a life where i chose to follow him instead of a sinner's life where i wouldve done the opposite. but then i think about why i go through the hardships that i go through. God gives them to me out of his grace & his unconditional love. & forever i will always be thankful for him choosing me to love him & glorify him.

These days i feel my life is at a halt & i feel im going nowhere. & i know Gods here with me, but i havent felt his presence in a long time, & i feel alone. things around me are not going the way they should. i need as much help i can get or more time. i know the road is long & the path is not easy & that in the end God will be glorified somehow but i have to finish the walk down the path to finish it. & im nowhere close & im falling of the road. In these tough times, i still look to God but most times i find nothing, but i keep looking. but all that anger & sadness has to go somewhere & i take it out on those around me. & those around me are people that i usually love. i messed up & im loosing the fight.

I try to be the best person i can in God's name, but i fall more times than i get back up. but i truly want to be the best person i can be. A good friend. A good son. A good brother. A good example. A good Christian. & hopefully a good father some day. but in all those i need God & i must not let that go or loose sight. In the end, God will be glorified. In the end i will have learned a hard lesson. but i dont know how much longer i have or if ill even make it.

The War of Ambition: The Unconditional Surrender

you know its hard. giving your all to God is hard. first of all, saying that & willing to is hard. the next part is actually doing it. its freaking hard. but the thing is i dont know how. at my last retreat, the thing that came to my mind to pray about & wat i actually prayed was constantly, "Lord im confused, i need guidance, i need you to lead my life, & i give you my unconditional surrender."

The song Everything by Lifehouse was one of those songs that was written by one of those people that were completely surrendered unto the Holy Spirit. Everything is such a powerful song & its such a beautiful song. Since retreat, ive tried to Surrender onto God but its not easy. so in a sense, ive given for awhile. but i heard this song again recently & i was so encouraged by it. its one of the most beautiful songs ever written & most encouraging in my opinion.

When it sings, "How could I, Stand here with You, & not be moved by you?" im so touched & humbled by that. I am utterly confused & lost in what im doing in this life im living. God has given me the role of Andrew Chae to glorify him & to spread the love by living life to the fullest in his name. but im failing him. & thats because i have not been letting Him guide me & lead me but me following God when i feel like it which is unacceptable. i need all the help i can get. So that is why i give to God, my Holy Father, my Unconditional Surrender, so that in his name, i glorify God & love & serve.

System Reboot.

My life right now is in utter chaos & confusion. Im overcome with emotions i cannot handle. My faith right now is at its highest but my relationship with God is at its weakest. Im trying to balance what the world's trying to throw at me all by myself when the God who created the heavens & the Earth is beside me every single moment of my life.

Ive lost all track of the meaning of the resurrection by all circumstances & lost sight of whats important. MY one on one with God. MY relationship with God. My Love for God. I have so much hate in my heart which ive been holding on to for a long time. I need to let go of it & surrender it all to my heavenly Father.

I need to empty my brain. Completely rid my head & heart with all the junk that its containing. There are many things i need to let go of & cleanse out of my heart. What i need is me to be at peace with God & surrender my all to him. Thats what i need. A System Reboot.

The War of Ambition: Operation Humanity

you cant trust anybody. everyone u meet will always backstab u & turn your back on you. i dont care how close u can get with a person, EVERY SINGLE person is wired in their heart to the core to backstab everyone they come into mere contact with. They may do it directly or indirectly, but they will do it.

how heartless can someone be to completely ignore a man they call brother when you know for a fact they are not themselves. if u kno that, u will move yer selfish needs to go & check up on yer "brother".

I vow to myself that i will humble myself & make it my life goal to always put myself below others to serve them with love as Christ loved. & i wont be a hypocritical bastard & preach about "loving & serving" when i dont do it myself. no. no i make it my Life Goal to make sure i demote myself to the servitude of humanity under Christ, with Christ, like Christ did. this isnt no fun & games. this is real life that God gave us & im going to take this very seriously. My life duty will be to truly love others & be there for them as a real brother, be a good friend, & most of all never turn my back on my brother or sister.

The War of Ambition: The Pursuit of Happiness.

Its been in a long time since ive written a blog & its because i truly didnt feel like it. & during the duration of me not writing, ive retained a lot of knowledge & understanding of God. But the reason i wanted to write in my blog today was not because sad, angry about something, nor stressed, but because i got a feeling of genuine peace & happiness for a mere 2 seconds that i havent felt in ages.

Weather for me effects my mood in a lot of ways. For instance, sunny open skies make me stressed. Heavy rain days depressed. Sprinkling clouds piss me off. but a cold, windy days with no blue sky not raining makes me happy. & today as i was going home i looked into the PV hills as i saw the clouds go gliding over them & thats when i sensed God's great beauty & creations he has created for our enjoyment that we neglect every single day. In this moment i was able to pick out all the great things i was blessed with throughout the days & weeks that went by. At the site of God's majesty was when i experience true happiness & thankfulness.

I felt this was something i had to blog about because all of us long for happiness in different forms but i believe joy in its truest & fullest comes from God & God alone.

The Glee version of One of Us makes me really happy too.

The Social Network

i really dont have a long review for this movie so here it goes. The movie is almost perfect. It was going solid until it hit the end, leaving you with a dry end & more questions.

the acting was extremely well done, both for the main character & all the others including Justin Timberlake which i thought he did a really good job. The main character, Mark something, his character is borderline douchebag/ahole, but curiously i really liked his character & the audience seemed to like him as well.

To me, the ending of the movie is extremely vital, far more important than the beginning for that matter. Its like having Jesus in the Passion of the Christ not resurrect at the end. For the size of the Social Network's story, the movie should have been 30mins to 1 hour longer. the movie itself was at least straight up 2hrs. In the end, i wanted more from the story, had a bazillion questions flying through my head, & killed my Social Network Movie experience.

Overall i give it a 6.8/10. If the movie was a bit longer to store more storyline, the rating could be much more higher.

+ Movie on Facebook
+ Not bad, kid from Zombieland
- Sucky Ending
- Should have been bit longer.

btw the trailer is realllllly goood.

The War of Ambition: The Fall from Depression

When my grandpa passed away on the Christmas of 2008, i fell into a deep depression for a long time where i lay dormant within my own thoughts alone. After that period, this wave of depression comes back to me every few months to haunt me again. During this time, all the stress of my past comes, also inviting the ones i have in my present life right now to come along as well. Around this time, my motto changes from Living to Eat, to Eating to Live, school sucks again, the light in my life is covered by a shroud of darkness, church is a schedule, friends are just there, & God feels extremely from far from reach.

I think i know my cycle now in small details. I am overjoyed with life, then i get angry really easily, & finally i fall into depression waiting for the arrival of the joy that'll hopefully come soon. Until that time, i can only ask for support from the people around me, because right now, family is at the top of the list of stress.

I like sitting & just meditating with calm, relaxing praise music to settle me down & give me motivation during these times. I think that is the best way to deal with a lot of things in life, in general.